Nuclear Family....

Posey

Ele the big sister.

Jack the uncertain big brother.

There are certain things in life that always surprise, though not many. Even though A and I were done having anymore children, Posey found a way to come into this world. There is nothing better than being present for your daughter's birth. Any and all dread is instantly washed away once you set you eyes on the genetic masterpiece between two people. So far she's eating like a champ, and sleeping well. Hopefully this will be our calm child.

Time, Time, Time....

Wishing to have more hours in the day seems to be a futile effort if you lack the energy to use them. No time. No energy. No will to do anything more than study and try to climb through the drudging days of clinicals. The feeling of wanting to retract into the darker corners of society tug at the back of my head. The feeling of not wanting to deal with the ignorance and selfish nature of people gnaw at my nerves.


Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with H1N1, which turned out to be the worst sickness I have ever experienced. Everything described in the media rang true as my health declined leaving me feeling old and brittle. Nearly two weeks later I'm still coughing and have a general malaise, which is starting to get on my nerves.


At this same time the doctor is attempting to induce labor with A, and it's not working. A total of 23 hours were spent pumping drugs into A in the attempt to get our child to come out, but to no avail. All of this left me with having to miss a clinical day. Missing a day like this is punishable by having to watch 16 hours of medical videos as penance. The baby refused to come out and we all went home to take Tamaflu to combat the virus.

On Monday A had a cesarean section and our daughter was born weighing 9lbs 3oz, and measuring almost 22 inches in length. So far she has been the best thing to happen in the past few weeks. She has a sweet disposition, large appetite, and an awesome sleeping pattern. All of these traits are what any parent hopes for, but rarely gets. The birth left me with having to miss two more days of classes leaving me deeper in the hole, especially when I have to make-up two tests.

Luckily my grades are high enough that I can withstand a failing test grade in both classes. Am I surprised that not one of the professors even attempted to accommodate me with a little leverage in making up the test. But this is to be expected when dealing with medical institutions. A vain attempt at making themselves appear tough and elite to the others.

Halloween Music...

Dead Man's Bones - My Body's A Zombie For You

I can remember a time when I so looked forward to this day. An excuse to stay out late wired up on pixie stix and sugar babies. Running amok in the local neighborhoods. Hoping for a nonbeliever in Halloween so we could give them a taste of the tricks in store for them if they don't hand over the candies.

Now it's a grueling endeavour to load up the kids with costumes, and head out to the nicer neighborhoods so our children can beg for sweets. Two hours in the field and I was worn out by the first ten minutes. Between the kids whining about he cold, and A about how she hurts all over my head feels like it's going to pop.

Of course we have good music like this to sit back to and reflect on the day's activities. Happy Halloween dear reader.

Personalised...

There are several things you must come to understand about life in southern Illinois. Living so closely to the southern states leaves the population with a mixture of redneck and Yankee in an almost eerie abomination of the two breeds mixing.

One of my biggest hangups about living in this part of the state is driving on the streets and highways with them. Everyone wants to drive in the left hand lane of any major roadway. I've suspected that there is an underlying need for the people to pretend they were driving in England, but nothing has been substantially proven as of yet.

Another is the obsession with personalising your vehicle's license plate. From the youngest teen driver to the oldest geriatric behind the wheel of a Cadillac, they all have personalised plates. Initials, nicknames, professions, and sexual status adorn most cars operating the highways declaring their douche bag status for all to see. The only one I've seen that I've actually enjoyed is "Mrs LSD 1." This elderly lady had no idea the combination of her initials and putting a Mrs in front of it would have for the rest of us driving the asphalt of this great state.

I hate to lay a stereotype on a group of people living within the community, but I can proudly say that I am reminded daily that I am no longer in the southern states.

Today's reminder occurred at work. I was approached by a gentleman whose body odor met me long before his arrival. The greasy head was adorned with a sweet John Deer cap that had seen better days. The beard was long and disheveled leaving me with a feeling of it's existence being the heart of the man's odor.

When he spoke he blessed me a front row view of the tooth decay that was working inside his mouth. It was marvelous indeed. He said, "You from Kentucky huh?" Bracing myself I replied, "Yup." He started laughing giving me another glimpse at his decay farm and said, "I heard you boys were a bunch of hillbillies. I'm surprised you're wearin' shoes." The irony of the moment was too much for one man to carry.

Silence Is Cobalt..

Moving through my day-to-day life is almost like viewing myself from an old movie reel. Foggy. Hazy with large grains of imperfections popping up on the screen every few seconds. Two sets of static filled prerecorded laugh tracks to play at inopportune times in my life.

Classes are a foggy nine hour day filled with labs, tests, lectures, lunches, and formulas that I some how seem to be able to store somewhere inside. Nothing too deep, but just enough to recall for a test and then, like Kaiser Sosay, it's gone. A strange feeling of something being there, but now gone into the blackness of space and time.

Any day now the newest, albeit unplanned, member of the Zombie family will be coming out. Filling a already stressful relationship into another fun filled ride of sleep deprivation and auditory disruption that always makes an interesting combination for a nuclear family. Even though I am dreading the next year, I am looking forward to seeing what her personality will bring to the mix. Hopefully it will be a long missing ingredient that will bring balance to our little group.

Everything is about to change. Not slowly, but in an instant. Like a flash fire going from nothing into something glorious and amazing. We could really use that about now. I mean, I could.

iPod Repeat...

Queens Of The Stone Age - I Never Came (live)

I bet I listened to this song a dozen times on my drive to and from clinicals. There are so many reasons why this band is so awesome. Their music can be this melodic, almost lullaby, like this song, to something totally raw like 3's and 7's.

The Wildcard..

There is no rational explanation for my complete lack of supervision given to this little slice o' heaven of a blog. I blame the weather, as I usually like to do, for throwing me off track. Totally derailing the momentum I had gained and continued to ride out before hitting the wall.

Of course the biggest, and most realistic, variable was my total lack of motivation. A slump. The wall. Having nothing more to share with my three readers, I felt a strange obligation to no one in particular. A strange guilt that seemed to overwhelm my senses and keep me away from the computer. Only leaving reality for a moment to catch up with people of FB.

So in my earnest I gave way to my desire to vent and attempt another go at this thing. The need to get my shit together has overridden anything else in my life right now. Too many things spinning around in my head keeping me off balance. Events transpiring around my nuclear family is not helping me keep up with everything I plan.

Things are about to change again. Posey will be here soon enough, and she'll bring a world of change along with her.

Wednesdays..

Wednesdays the days I dread. No longer do I think of these as "hump days," or the old Mickey Mouse Clubhouse "anything can happen day." No my dear reader these are the days that you can take delight in knowing that I am more than likely wrist deep in another person's feces, or rubbing an elderly patient down after a bubbly sponge bath. Nothing could be more humiliating for a zombie.

I'm entering week number six of this semester's clinical rotations. I can honestly say that I have not dreaded anything more than this. Knowing full well that first semester clinicals is nothing more than the students doing their time wiping arse and changing beds. Everyone's gotta pay their dues I guess. At least I can say my patients have all lived through my shift. That cannot be said for the 18 year old who's patient died within the first hour of her care. I know I shouldn't call her Angel of Death in front of professors or other students. If the show fits I guess.

All in all I've gotten pretty lucky with the patients assigned to me. All have required minimal care compared to my fellow classmates. The perk in being a male nurse means most patients don't want us seeing them naked, which is totally fine with me. The realization of what the body goes through with the help of father time is scary. Especially when a patient, after inserting a catheter into his penis, leans over and says to you in a matter of fact way, "It shrinks ya know." But then there is nothing more horrifying than a 96 year old woman naked, with a fresh load of poo in their bed and a smile on her face. Yes, this is what I signed up for, and quickly regretted.

iPod Rewind...

Tenacious D - Fuck Her Gently

Holy hell. A total physical and mental collapse of this blog. I'm so totally ashamed, but I hope this love song from the greatest band on earth Tenacious D will convey my deepest regrets. The mission was a failure my dear reader. But I shall sally on and continue my pledge.

iPod Repeat...

Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - Cornbread (live)

I hate to say it but I cannot stand The Dave Matthews Band. Never have. Other than enjoying the song Crash and Satellite nothing else has appealed to me. A few years ago I found a CD with Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds playing acoustic at some theater, and I loved it. There is something about his voice and the guitars that just works out right for me. As I drove to the hospital early this morning I was given this song to stick in my head from the old iPod. It's one of my favorites.

The Kids...

I've learned, as a father, that there are certain events that occur during this long period of nurturing that will suddenly make you realize that you can no longer take your kids out in public. There is nothing more embarrassing, and nerve racking, than having to run after your demon like son around a restaurant.

Tonight we decided to go for broke and take the whole family to a friend's birthday dinner at a locally owned chain restaurant. Both kids were well rested and in high spirits as we left the house. While en route they were on their best behavior as we moved through the streets of the city. Neither arguing or bickering in their normal fashion. This made me happy. What I should have realized was that this was the calm before the storm.

As soon as we entered the lobby the lights, noise, and the smell of food sent them into a frenzy. They started jumping on seats and running wild with the energy of a thousand children hopped up on pixie stix. It was at this point that I knew we had made a huge error in judgement.

The rest of the night was spent running after Jack. Restraining him in the booster seat. Trying to get him to eat, or drink anything was a futile effort. After one hour I was mentally drained of all fatherly ability to control the situation. It was time to go. A few apologies, and a well placed Happy Birthday was offered as we rounded up the heathens and made our egress. Driving home I cursed myself for making a bad call, and swore an oath to never take the boy anywhere in public again until he is 18.

iPod Rewind...

Dinosaur jr - Just Like Heaven (live)

Here is another band from my youth that I just can't seem to give up. I love the guitar on their version of The Cure's Just Like Heaven.

Catching Up..

Needless to say there have been some complications with my internet service provider. Starting off with the usual weather induced blackouts, experienced whenever there is any amount of moisture in the air, and ending with the realization that a bill was not paid. All in all it was an interesting journey with the help of a shitty internet service provider.

I thought about back dating and posting the days missed, but then I thought better of it. Why waste my two reader's precious time with a daily dose of me sitting in front of the computer and cursing it when it does not connect? I care too much about the both of you to put your eyes through the monotony that has been the last week.

Last Wednesday I started nursing clinicals, which will be on the medical/surgery floor of a local hospital. There's nothing like walking in with 19 of your classmates and finding a group of nurses scowling at you from behind the desk. The stark naked feeling of total contempt and hate was flowing from them as they stared at us. There is nothing worse in the world than a pissed off medical professional. Already understaffed and over worked, they now have to deal with 20 retards all up in their space. Oh, yes. It will be a wonderful ride indeed.

Now that the internet has been restored to my humble home, I hope to be able to fill your days and nights with my wonderful stories of anger and shame.

Will....

When I was a little kid I would have to endure reruns of the Lawrence Welk Show whenever I stayed with my great-grandparents. So very horrible are those memories. The good news is Will Farrell can make them funny as hell. I know these skits are wrong on so many levels, but I can't stop laughing at them. When those baby hands come out I can't stand it.

Night...

Strange dreams haunted me again last night leaving me with a nights worth of restless sleep. Images of a post apocalyptic city just days after the total collapse of the nation's computerized infrastructure. The world of total chaos kept me in a slumbering state of alertness to the illusion I was in.

The mind's ability to immerse a person's unconscious thoughts into a dark world of social collapse amazes me. Even in a dream state I was in full survival mode. Rushing to gather supplies and weapons, while keeping my family safe from the quickly deteriorating society around us. Chock full of strange people in a total state of panic. Groups of people trying desperately to contain what little order was left around us. Religious zealots grasping in vain at their faith while they were crushed under the feet of thousands of people running in panic.

It seems that there is always a catch in these types of dreams. Something that is unattainable. Always just out of reach, forcing you to make rash decisions in the moment. Obstacles to transverse. I'm sure there is nothing more than some sociological explanation more than likely aiming at insecurities, stress, and repressed memories from long ago. I love these dreams, but wish they would leave me feeling more rested than worn out.

iPod Repeat...

Pearl Jam - Immortality (Boston '94)

The old iPod usually skips most Pearl jam songs, and in a weird way, surprises me when one pops up. I listen to this one at least three times today. I had forgotten how much this band influenced me and my friends through the early 90s. Their new CD comes out this weekend and appears to be getting great reviews. Guess I need to pick up yet another CD this week.

Concentrate....

My lack of concentration, coupled with my lack of enthusiasm, for my classes is starting to wear on me. Only having been into the nursing program for a few weeks and I'm finding myself wandering mentally. The excitement of beginning a new life has started to slip aways from me. Nothing seems to keep my concentration in check, and I'm starting to regret my decision.

When I decided to go back to school I was excited at the prospect of being able to help people on a level that was more human than my company job. This first semester of nursing school has begun to leave me wanting more. Something that I'll be able to use in the future and keep me excited about what I'm doing. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I may have made an error in judgement prior to this commitment.

Clinicals start next week and I'm on the verge or rabbiting. Having the knowledge that all we'll being working on in the hospital setting for two months will me the very bottom of nursing care. Bed making, ass wiping, teeth brushing, bed bathing, all of this makes me wish I'd gone to the sandbox instead of making my family go through the financial woes we have endured for the last two years. I need, crave, to be stimulated mentally in school. I need a challenge to make me want to study, or to find the answers. So far this has not been the case.

Of course there is no turning back on this decision. I've passed the point of no return on this little voyage. Meaning that I'll have to suck it up, put my head down, and bull my way right through it all. I just pray for the strength to make it through this first year of classes with some sort of mental stability when I come out the other side.